Bittersweet
They were friends for a long time—years and years. They were both five when they met for the first time, battling it out on the handball court. She was never any good. He was one of the best on the playground. A few lucky hits one day and she managed to unseat him. It was then that he grudgingly admitted she was all right (for a girl). Back then, it was more their parent's friendship that kept them together.
At some point, though, they realized they actually got along (when they weren't insulting each other). Friendship was easy for them. They fell into a pattern of comfort. He'd steal her fries at lunch and she'd copy his German homework. Sometimes it seemed like they shared everything—friends and schoolwork, family and vacations, even secrets. But that was okay, they were comfortable together. Good friends (and even better partners in crime). It worked for them. It was natural. Those days, it felt like nothing could tear them apart.
Until something did. His name was Chris and he was her first boyfriend. Like more first loves, it eclipsed everything, even her friendships. Not long after Chris popped onto the scene, Denise became his first girlfriend. Denise was followed by Vanessa, then Lilly, Natalia and Jesse. At some point along the way, Chris was replaced by John. They drifted apart but always ended up back together again. It was never a question between them. It just kind of… was.
Then one day, when they were sprawled in his backyard, he asked her something he'd never asked before. He looked her in the eye and said, "Why not me?"
She didn't understand at first. Their friends had always teased them. But it was just a joke. They'd never even talked about it. She tried to answer, but she couldn't. She wasn't even sure where to start. So she offered the only thing she could think of: "You never asked." So he asked and their routine became something new.
They weren't the kind of couple that inspired love songs or an excess of gossip or interest. They were friends first and a couple second. But that worked for them too. It was comfortable and they were happy. It probably would've lasted forever if she let it. She could've been content if she stayed. He was a nice boy turned into a good man. One of her best friends. She loved him with all her heart. In her soul, she knew she always had.
But she wanted more. She dreamed of more. She deserved more. So she made herself a plan. She made decisions. She chose a life that she wanted for herself. It was time to be independent. To stand on her own two feet and see where they took her. She couldn't do that with him beside her, no matter how much she loved him. Because she did love him and it wasn't enough. And nothing he could do could change that.
She knew it was cowardly to just leave. She knew he deserved better. But she was weak, and she knew that a few well-chosen words from him would be enough to stop her from ever leaving. It still felt wrong writing him a Dear John letter (if it could be called that, being half lyric quotes and sentence fragments scratched on the back of a postcard) to say good-bye. She wished it could've been different. That she could've had one last kiss. (Not that she deserved it.)
It was strange, leaving everything she knew behind. Venturing out on her own, trying to find what it was she'd been missing. It was so hard. But when she got there—when she reached that place on her own—it felt good. It felt so good.
It was like she finally got it. All those sappy chick flicks like The Butterfly Effect, The Break-Up, and even Bedazzled finally made sense to her. Loving someone meant putting them first, even at your own expense. That was the one thing she hadn't been able to give.
But that was okay. She built herself a life that she loved living from the deepest part of her soul. She didn't need anyone else to do that for her. It was her and her alone, becoming the person she wanted to be. It felt right.
Sometimes she still thought of him and sighed. She wondered if he thought of her, too. It was selfish but she hoped he did. She hoped the thought left him with a smile. Because the memory of him—of them, as they'd been together—always brought a bittersweet one to her lips.
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